Ladies' Night

Tonight was ladies' night with the life group ladies. But, like dessert, that should come last, so here's the lowdown on life group. Let me just say that visit #2 with our life group was really, really great. There were more people than last week, which initially made me nervous, but again God eased my heart and I was able to see how wonderful each person was. We are still studying in Ephesians 4, still concentrating on service.

Tonight we talked about those who have rejected Christ. It made me a little sad. I can think of so many people I knew in college, and even now, who say they are against organized religion. Of course, these were the same people nursing a hangover with me on Friday morning. Usually their reasons for persecuting Christians came down to some person or other in their past who had treated them badly, so they decided not to go to church ever again. I was always a bit confused by this since at least one person at the bar would insult them, yet every week, there we were, drinking some cold beer. Anyway...These are the people who make me so sad. The ones who are so smart, and so convinced that they are right, and Christians are evil, uneducated, and intolerant, as well as naive. Usually they are people who maybe grew up in church and then turned away. They have hardened their hearts, and I think maybe part of their defense mechanism against Christians is to persecute the.

We also talked about how sweet God can be, when He moves through your life. How things that are hard, or bad, or tragic, He uses. Then he gives more. I can look back at the day I found out I was pregnant with G, and see his hand. Every decision that I made prayerfully, and thoughtfully, turned out for the better. A and I really believe that God saw how we were in college, and decided to keep us apart until we were adults. Our bonus round is that we have G, who wouldn't have been born if A and I had dated in college, like we wanted. God took our first year of marriage and grew us as individuals, parents, spouse's, and Christians. It was not an easy year, but we are stronger for it. I like that about God. He might give you the bitter, but there will always be some sweet.

One of the things that I held onto through my walkabout years, is that everything will turn out all right. I had faith in God even when I wasn't living a Christian lifestyle. My faith has been repaid by his forgiveness. I spent quite a few nights in tears and prayers asking for that forgiveness, looking in my heart at how I had lived. I had to look at my past lifestyle, admit that it wasn't right, and then ask for forgiveness. It sounds like three quick and easy steps. Let me tell you, it was not. Then I kept making some of the same mistakes, and things would not work out, and it was back to prayers. I spent a lot of time over my 2 1/2 years teaching in the car. A lot of that time I spent in prayer. I wasn't where I am now, but I was groping to get back to my faith.

I had missed God's peace. I missed his love, I missed his acceptance, and encouragement. Now I feel that I have all those things back, and it is a huge feeling. So much sweet has He given us. I do worry, don't get me wrong, I am a worry wart. I worry about our kids, and if they will be terribly warped. I worry that they will hate me when they get older. I worry about taxes, and jobs, and our home, and my husband, and our families. I worry. I have to give it to God, and it is hard. I have to leave that worry with him and that is harder.

Tonight we also talked about the many things people do in the church to serve. There is a man who makes breakfast every Sunday morning to feed all the volunteers who work. What a large commitment and responsibility. Every. Single. Sunday. No deciding to stay in bed because it is raining, or cold, or hot, or sunny. He provides comfort and fellowship for whole families, who are there to serve. There are people who provide valet parking for the elderly, a monthly night off for parents with special needs children, lighting and sound for worship services. This is HUGE! There is so much going on, all the time. Yet, our church feels small, because someone is always going to say hello, and chat with you. People will remember you week to week. I love it. I love that God has provided us with a church home, where our family can shelter, learn and grow. All in all, tonight was a good night for the churchness.

After life group, the ladies went out to eat sans children. At a grown-up restaurant. And we had dessert. I feel like I am making the first friends I have made in years. I still feel awkward, fat, red-faced and self-conscious. But then I make myself remember that they will be looking at me through the "God goggles", and that these are not "mean girls". So I relaxed without the fam. for the first time in months, and had fellowship with Christian women and it was awesome! Also awesome was A.'s taking over the evening feeding and night night routine for G and M. I think they all enjoyed that, and I find it so precious how the love flows from one to the other and back. God has blessed us so immensely with our children. Growing, curious, exasperating, loving, learning boys.

All in all this has been a very rich weekend. I am grateful to God for all he has done and is doing in our lives. I pray that I can continue to grow and serve.

Service

So tonight's sermon was all about service. Ephesians, chapter 4 again. Here's the thing about me. I am a lazy person. I always worked really hard when I worked outside of the home, but it hasn't quite translated into working hard in the home. Maybe I am just not good at time management, or house work, or priorities. So, our house is in shambles, but I finished reading a book today.

That is beside the point. The point is that I grew up as an active member of very small churches, and even spent one summer off from college assisting with a children's program that outnumbered the adults in the church. To me, working in your church, giving your service, is just what you do. It screams community to me. I am starving for community!

Part of this starvation that I am living away from my family for the first time ever. I know, I am married with two kids and have been for a few minutes. You would almost think I would be over. You would be pretty wrong there. Back home we are steeped in community. Sometimes we have a little too much. But still...I miss my parents and my brother, and grandparents, and aunts and uncles, and cousins. I might not have seen them all the time, but they were there. Now they are way away (G's phrase to describe a 3 hour drive).

So I miss my non church community from my hometown, and I honestly think a big part of my starvation for community up here is spiritual. I consciously took myself out of the church community while I was on walkabout those few years. Then I left the walkabout lifestyle for the most part, but didn't really give it up until I married A. Now the "old lifestyle" which was really a "middle lifestyle" or "backsliding", is gone, and I am returning to my faith. To quote the yoga folks, I have returned to center. A big part of that center for me, is the spiritual community of the church. I miss being around church folks. A lot.

A and I have started attending on Saturday nights, as I addressed in a previous blog. We also attend a life group during the week (basically Sunday School, but maybe a little less stuffy, and so wonderful). The kids' stuff is about to crank up again, so I am sure G and M will get to catch some more of that, but it just wasn't enough for me. I felt like I was just going to church and not doing anything for the church. Those small churches where I grew up pretty much demanded everyone do something or nothing would have gotten done. I want to work. So...guess what I did! I picked up the little card from my seat in the sanctuary (I do miss pews, don't know why,) and I volunteered to help with the middle school ministry. I think I am going to be working with 6th grade girls.

Folks I have just gone and jumped off the deep end into hormonal drama. There aren't many creatures touchier than little girls between 6th and 8th grades. And I have volunteered to work with them, because the middles school minister had voiced some concerns, and they just need some willing folks anyway. I am afraid I am grossly overestimating my abilities to handle kids. But, here's what else I am thinking, in between bouts of "what have I done?" I am not solely responsible for these children. God is going to help me out. He will guide me. I am not alone spiritually with a bunch of little hormone buckets with mouths and attitudes. Also, I am not alone at the church either. This is a big church. They have people you can talk to; they have people who can help. If I get overwhelmed, I can always ask for assistance, and it will be there. This is almost the opposite of teaching high school.

So all in all, I have some fear and exhilaration mixing in my stomach. There is a big old ball of self doubt sitting at the base of my neck as well. But I think God is going to help me, and who can argue with that kind of an assist. So everything will work out. I think it is time for some research on the inter webz, and some research in my Bible. I am also going to sign up to help with a 5K race, because they need volunteers, and I am in the mode. God will guide me to where I am needed. He is amazing like that. Pray for me handling those little barrels of drama.

Challenges

There are a lot of challenges when you come back to your faith after a long time. Some of those challenges involve changing behaviors. Not using profanity isn't extremely hard, it just requires some thought. So that isn't so bad. And the hubs and I are well past our heavy drinking days. However, I am so not a patient person. Not even a little bit. Sometimes this overflows onto my family. Actually, more than sometimes. It often overflows onto them. I know from experience that sometimes "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it in the whole, "you hurt my feelings and I will never forget it!" scheme of things. Because some things you just don't forget. So, this is hard for me. Since I don't want my kids to hate me, I am going to start looking up some stuff in my Bible, and am definitely going to pray on it. Of course, a blog needs a little more to it than that, so here's some more:

I think part of my problem has been that I have not had any time away from my family since April. I love them a lot, but a break has been needed. The hubs and I have talked about this. We were both apparently having the "want to gnaw off my leg to get out of this trap" feeling occasionally. You think, aw, it wasn't that bad was it? Yes, it was. Accept this and keep reading. So now we are working on trying to give each other a break and have each other's backs, instead of me climbing onto his back and being ugly. Like crying and picking fights, and being difficult, not necessarily in that order. In the interest of fixing this problem, tonight he got some time to chill in the office before dinner, and then he sent me to the local coffee shop after dinner. I feel amazing!

So what does this have to do with Christianity? Well, if I start searching for the tie in, I could go all, "love is patient" on you. But really, I think about Martha, and how she would get caught up in the mundane aspects of her life. She would get spun up, and then complain to Jesus, and he would basically show her what was important. (my first thought was to put, He was all like 'chill, Martha, come soak up the goodness' but I thought that might be sacrilegious, I'm not sure). So....I will enjoy this break my husband has gifted me. I will try to be more patient, and I will keep on trying to soak up the goodness Jesus has given us, and not be so bogged down in the pissy world I keep in my head.

Church

I grew up as an every Sunday morning and sometimes Wednesday night church goer. When we moved to Shreveport I was shocked that there were church services on Saturday night. Then I thought about it and looked around Shreveport. If you have small children here is the list of things you can do in Shreveport on Saturday night:

-eat Mr. Gatti's pizza

-go to a movie

-Chuck E. Cheese (for those of you who are masochists)

-Shreve City playscape (super crowded with lots of bigger kids)

-CC's pizza

-go see someone

-Chic-Fil-A

...and that's about it. So, okay, church on Saturday. I can try it. Then I had a hiccup with the whole, people dress casually for church on Saturday night. Not a, "they are all going to burn in hell!" kind of hiccup. More of a run-on sentence kind of hiccup: "But I always wear a dress to church and I will feel so awkward if I have to wear jeans, but if I wear a dress will I stand out terribly, and oh Lord, what do I do?" I solved that fashion dilemma with more casual dresses and skirts. I know it seems shallow, but hey, I'm seeking the kingdom, I'm not there yet.

So, church on Saturday, check, clothing for church on Saturday, check, found a church we loved, check. My next little hiccup was the music. I love hymns. Love them! I find comfort and joy, and peace while singing hymns. I love the smell of the hymnals, the feel of the pages. I love the sound of a church full of people turning to page 372 to sing "The Old Rugged Cross". I love hearing four distinct parts to every song. Our church's song service on Saturday is contemporary. My husband loves contemporary Christian music. I am more tolerant of it than I once was. I still find some praise songs mind numbingly repetitive. Some are okay and tell a story and are good. Some are phenomenal. Which is about the same as hymns really, but I would not give up the point that I wanted my kind of song service. We talked and negotiated when to go to church to hear which song service, and then I had an epiphany. It just doesn't matter. Okay, it does matter, a little, otherwise I wouldn't have fought about it for so long. But the truth of the matter is that we can make it to church more consistently on Saturday night. So, I have decided that I can tolerate the praise music, and have found enjoyment in it. I can sing along by ear and praise God all the same. I still miss my hymns and my heart hurts a little bit, but this is something I can concede so that we are at church.

My next issue with our new church was the isolation. Yes, isolation. Because I had almost always gone to small churches where everyone knew everyone else, and their people, all the way back to Noah. Or a large church in a small town, where everyone still knew everyone, and their people, all the way back to Noah. Our church in Shreveport is sooooooo big! I kind of felt like an outsider.

We would show up 10-15 minutes before services to drop the kids off in the kids section. Then we would get a cup of coffee. Sip it a little, stare around at all the other people going places or talking to each other. Then we would go in to the sanctuary for the service. The lights would dim, and church would start. First the song service, then the message, then the invitation, then the final prayer, and everyone is running for the doors. Occasionally we would meet someone my husband knew and chat with them, but mostly not. So we would pick up our kids and leave. Sometimes we would not talk to anyone but the greeters. How sad is that? At church, and no one was talking to us. I felt soooo lonely. And let me tell you, I stay at home with two kids. I know loneliness.

However, last Saturday God answered my prayers. It was life group launch night. Hallelujah! We will find some church friends with kids. And we did! As we were walking out of the sanctuary and talking about getting our life group on, the couple who had sat beside us during the service invited us to theirs. And it meets on a night we have open! And it has child care!!!! Thank you Lord Jesus!

So we went to the life group, and it was awesome! Here were Christians with a sense of humor, personality, and a genuine love for each other! These were mature adults who worked at being more Christlike, and had flaws just like us! I love them! It wasn't awkward being the new couple. Everyone was looking for things in common and miraculously, commonalities were there. I loved it. Here is another great God driven coincidence: our study in Ephesians, chapter 4, concerns community. Community. I was seeking community in our church and we have found it, and I am so grateful. The Lord has blessed us again with the perfect answer to our prayers. I am looking forward to getting to know our new life group, and in learning and growing with them. I believe we have finally found our church home. Let the growing and the working for our Lord begin!