Growing Up

My friend Smart Blonde and I had a really good conversation today. Somehow or other we emerged from our late teens/early twenties as sober, non-slutty women. In other words, we grew up. God put me together with A, and now we are married with two boys. Smart Blonde has had a rough time romantically, but is getting close to finishing her PhD, has a great job, and a wonderful boyfriend. In other words, God has seen us through. We have both returned to our faith and our church lives. It was great to talk to my friend, who is also one of my former drinking buddies, with whom I was such an idiot, so often, and realize that we made it. We came out the other side, and now we have stability, as well as the reassurance that we are loved by our Lord, and He has forgiven us for every indiscretion. How powerful is that? And then He gave us really great lives, instead of herpes. Thank You Lord!

I can say thank you to Him, because I know how easily I could have stayed in that life. And bad things can so easily happen when you are in the bar hopping lifestyle. While I still have friends who are there, I don't really talk to them all that often. I am certain this is because there is a distinct lack of booze to be had around my kids. And let's face it, you can't really talk about bar drama in front of someone's babies either. Or you can, but then they tell you to stop, and it gets awkward, and you have to go home and have a drink.

And here's the challenge with having non-churchy friends who have known you forever. Okay, my challenge. I have to make sure to just love them, pray for them, and never ever get self righteous, while being unapologetic about my faith. Because they knew me back in the day, and were right there beside me while I was sinning up a storm. So how do I handle it? Well, up until I talked to Smart Blonde today, I really was avoiding talking to a couple of our mutual friends. I need to stop that, and call them, and see how they are. I can witness to them without preaching. I can just share how happy I am, and talk about how much I enjoy being back in church. I can do that, and I am going to pray that God guides my words. I can also let them back into my life, and tell them funny M and G stories, because they are my friends, and that's what you do.

How do you Walk?

I have learned something since I returned from walkabout. Some of it I kind of figured out on my own, but a large part of it came from my mom and my husband. Here is my "great" or "semi-great" truth: Just because you have become a Christian, or are a returning Christian (what's up my people in the back pew!), or have never strayed, you don't necessarily have a great attitude. We are supposed to walk through our lives with a Christlike attitude. And it is hard. Sometimes more than others, thank you drive-thru guy who gave me the wrong utensils twice. However, we have to adjust and look for the silver linings. Here are a few of mine.

Four year old soccer is absolutely delightful. There is nothing cuter than a bunch of itty bitty people chasing a ball around a field. It is such a blessing that we can afford to pay for the league, the cleats, and the shinguards. It is a blessing we can buy the gas to get to practice and games. I am so happy we are able to do this for our son. It is a blessing that we have family who are more than willing to stand on the side-lines and yell like maniacs for the teeny soccer players. G is just blooming with the whole team sport thing.

M has learned how to get around in his walker. He has also started pulling himself along with only his arms. Really funny stuff. Screamy baby phase II is officially conquered. I thank God that he is healthy. I read Courtney Roth's blog, and then I cry, and then I pray, and then I kiss my babies. Courtney has such amazing grace, that I can't help but be inspired. I just pray God keeps his hands on that whole family. So I am blessed by my children's health.

My husband is a continuous miracle in my life. He is constantly inspiring me to strive for a more Christian walk through life. He also gives me constant encouragement, support, and love. I love him more every day.

I love our life group. I do sometimes worry that I talk to much, or that I am off center when I say things. But I can't stand it when a question is asked an not one person speaks for a minute. I will learn to love the soccer moms I see twice weekly, just like I loved to learn my swim school people. They are just women who are probably really sweet once I get over the whole excessive grooming thing. I must stop judging.

So I am going to try a little harder to walk the walk that Christ laid down for us. I know He will help, and I am willing. I am also secure in the knowledge that he will forgive me for the slip-ups, and that is awesome too.

Worship through Pain

Wednesday night's sermon for the kids, and the lesson in life group, focused on worshipping through pain. I thought it was a touching lesson, and very, very important for the kids to hear. I can only wish I had connected those dots when I was younger. The truth of the matter is that everyone will face pain and struggle on some scale in their lifetime. How we react to pain is the key factor. It's all about the attitude I guess. David, in the Psalms, was not always a happy camper. He would ask God why. He would tell God he felt alone. But he never closed the conversation. He kept an open dialogue to God through his prayers and songs.

I think a lot of times people expect prayer to be a magic bullet, slaying all dangers and woes. It doesn't work like that. And because one can't use God as a vending machine of miracles, people get angry and ask, "why should I worship God? He doesn't do anything for me!" This is pretty far from the truth, but we are all kind of like little mean kids sometimes. I think if we teach our children that we will suffer in our lives, but God still loves us. They should also know pain is how we grow, and maybe the dots will line up, and they won't become "vending machine" Christians.

So many of the intellectual atheists I know congratulate themselves on not "falling for" all the talk of God's love, and how He moves through our lives on a daily basis. They view the Bible as a mass delusion. phht! whatever. I think many of the intellectual atheists around my age were taken to church as children. For whatever reason this wasn't always a positive experience, and they never got over it. Or, they were vending machine Christians who didn't understand that our faith can and will be tested. So when their faith was tested, they walked away. It is much, much easier to walk away from your Christianity.

So hopefully we planted some seeds this week which our kids will carry around with them until life throws them a curve ball. Let's face it, middle school is tough. There is status at school, and how you look, and all those hormones. It's a big bowl of crazy soup. Hopefully, when that curveball comes, whether it be a bully, or something at home, the kids will remember they can talk to God No Matter What. It's a good lesson for me as well.

Attitudes

When people are on the verge of becoming parents, many of them worry they won't love their baby. Veteran parents just pat them on the arm and tell them they will love their new baby, despite the discomfort and inconvenience of pregnancy. However, veteran parents don't tell these prospective parents that some days you have to work harder than others to love your baby. This week was one of those harder weeks for me. Baby M has been difficult. He just screamed the first half of the week. All the time. For no discernible reason. Big old bowl of mommy might go crazy right there. At one point I was in tears. But God put a lady in my path who just soothed Baby M and me. How wonderful is the Lord that he did that for us! Would I have even noticed his hand in the "walkabout" days. Not so much. So, my attitude is definitely different, even toward my children.

First of all, I didn't tell Baby M, "mommies only love happy babies," or "Your screaming is ruining my quality of life". Instead I sang, and danced, and called my mom. And...I did a lot of praying. Sometimes I prayed for Baby M to stop screaming. Some days I just prayed for a little more patience. Sometimes I visualized locking the person who last told me, "God doesn't give you patience, he gives you opportunities to practice" in a room with Baby M (not Christlike, but I'm working on that!) After all, who else could give us patience, but our Lord and Father? He is most patient with us. Kind of like a parent with a baby who just won't stop screaming. See! When you look for it, everything can tie in to your faith.

The truth of the matter is that trying to have a more Christlike attitude got me through the week. I was not perfect, and I had to work at it, but I was trying. So I got through screamy baby syndrome. I got through meeting the parents of G.'s teammates, and honestly, there couldn't be a group of women designed to be more intimidating to me. Soccer moms are kind of scary. My wonderful husband helped me through the whole, "they are all tanned, and skinnier, and have straight hair and whiter teeth" thing. He helped me see it was all about changing my attitude to something more accepting, open, and loving. I have to love these women as my neighbors. I am working on it.

I also took another step in getting over having my feelings hurt on Labor Day. I had to accept that the hostess threw a get together at the last minute and didn't leave us out maliciously. I had to keep on loving. So. Stinking. Hard. It is so hard to get over something that hurts my feelings. But today, I actively changed my attitude. I called her and invited her to G's first soccer game, and to a Zumba class. And you know what? I feel really good now. God helped me get over my pout, and I feel better for letting it go. I also had to make the decision to keep being over it and not bring it up ever again. S0 that is what I am going to do, and now G has more people to cheer him on, and I have a dance buddy. So the bitter of the beginning of the week is leavened by the sweet. Surely God is mighty if He can keep the Earth rotating, and our hearts beating, and still deal with my screaming baby, my screaming insecurities, and my hurt feelings. This is part of the reason why I worship our Creator.

Feelings

Okay, so this blog isn't all about church going. It is about my return to faith. Part of this is dealing with how I react to things. I have a really good memory, so I don't easily forget when people hurt my feelings or the feelings of those I love. I am also "mean as a snake" when someone hurts me or those I love. I can also be mean when I am irritated. I am not a super patient person, but God is helping me with that. He is also helping me with the whole "mean as a snake" issue.

I am trying very hard these days to not throw fits over little things, like being late. Being late is a huge personal pet peeve. I am also praying a lot over letting things go. I need to let things go, especially when my feelings get hurt, or someone hurts those I love. Today, both things happened, and I am not over it yet. I have prayed about it, and will pray some more, and then I have to stop cuddling my precious little feelings, but let them go. So. Stinking. Hard.

Basically what happened was a group of people with whom we are close did not invite us over for a cookout. This is kind of sucky since the day my little family left town the hostess claimed she had no plans for Labor Day. Cool, we had plans for Friday and Saturday, but were free for two whole days. So we lingered at my parents house and watched it rain, and caught up on sleep. It was nice. No one called to say, "Hey, we're cooking out on Monday, and swimming after." Instead, on our way back into town I called to invite these people to dinner, and guess what, they were having a cookout, with other people we know and love. The excuses for not inviting us were really, really lame too. Then came the add-on invitation. Is there anything more insulting than the add-on invitation? The 'I didn't invite you originally so now i have to because you caught me' awkward phone conversation? I got my feelings hurt quite a bit by this. Then I got mad. This is sooooooooooooo hard for me to give over to our Lord. I am ashamed of how petty I am.

I guess I was overtaken with this Oliver Twist feeling that nobody loved us as much as they loved each other. boo. hoo. I felt that the hostess was ungrateful for the effort I have made to include her in our family life. Yeah, we are that special in my eyes. I felt that they just slapped my face with a dirty mop with the obligatory add-on invitation. I was so pissed! I still am.

So what am I going to do about it? Am I going to stop inviting these people to take part in our lives. Tempting isn't it? That whole, 'you don't think of me so screw you' mentality. Am I going to stop visiting them and letting my children interact with them. Again, tempting. However, I am trying to be a better Christian. So I can't do that. I have to get over it. This requires some prayer, and some scripture, and just being a grown-up. It may take a little time. But I will get over it, because hurt feelings are not a person to wrap your arms around and hug. Hurt feelings won't hang out just because they can, and they won't help you when you really need them. So I guess one time being left out over thoughtlessness isn't all that big of a deal. How many times have I left Christ out of my life? uhhhh.......lots. He still loves me anyway. I really shouldn't do less.

Working with Middle School Ministry

Last Wednesday was my first Wednesday volunteering for the middle school ministry. I shadowed gracious Lady J (yes this is her secret code-name) during a 6th grade life group. Life groups are what we used to call Sunday School, except now Sunday School is Wednesday so...new name. It's a much more contemporary name in keeping with the whole, let's not make church boring thing that apparently started when I was on walkabout. Anyway...Wednesday, Lady J, 6th grade life group. And I loved it!

I love 6th graders! They are so sweet and funny, and hyper. Seriously, crickets on espresso. One little girl child needs to keep her phone in her purse, but that is such a minor issue in the scheme of things. The children were a delight! I had missed working with big kids and didn't even realize it. They are so neat with all of their ideas, and their stories. They are so sweet in their wanting to participate. They are big people in small bodies. And they were at church, ready to learn, and excited about hearing a new lesson. What lesson rocked the house this week? Well...

We talked about worship. We talked about the how, and the when, and the why. The kids got into it, and really participated thoughtfully. I felt they grasped what we were trying to teach them; you can worship anywhere, anytime. You can always, always talk to God, and He always listens. It was great. I think what we taught them, reminded me of what I can forget. God is always available. No matter how busy you are, or what you are doing, or how mad or sad, or bad you are, God is there. This is an amazing truth.

After our life group we had "regular church" or just "worship" as the kids call it. This is held in their own little section of the church. I think the design is genius in the whole scheme of keeping the noise down for the rest of the church goers. I know that in some places a large group of really exuberant children would be frowned upon and cause friction with other groups. Not so at our church. Someone was thinking! Anyway, there was a song service, delivered by a really loud and pretty good band, and a message delivered by the middle school minister. Here is what I took away from the message:

The pastor delivered a message about Jesus sacrificing himself for our sins, and how when he died, the curtain to the Holy of Holies was torn. I have heard this story so many times throughout my life. Sadly, I had forgotten about the Holy of Holies and the curtain, Meaning I had forgotten it to the point where I needed to be reminded of it again. So my knowledge was refreshed. It was really nice. This sermon is carried the most import message for Christians, our fundamental truth. God sent his Son to die on the cross as a blood sacrifice for our sins. It is through Christ that we can go to Heaven, we don't need intercession (sorry my Catholic brethren). Basic, a simple little lesson, but not really all that simple. A virgin birth, a blameless life, a painful death, resurrection, redemption. How much life was packed into those thirty some-odd years? How many times did Christ turn away from sin?

He knew people. He walked and talked. He had friends. He had family. He had people who loved Him and hated Him. He was sent to Earth to die for us, and chose every day to do no sin, and to die for us. How very profound that "simple, basic" sermon I listened to on Wednesday really was. I know that the children listened. I hope they can see the deeper layers in the straightforward message. This is why I volunteer. I want to help children find their faith in Christ. I want to spread the knowledge of God's amazing, unconditional love so it goes viral in their life group. I hope in their thirties these kids aren't saying, "I hate organized religion"; I hope they are saying, "Let's go to church, you'll love it." I sure do!