Feelings

Okay, so this blog isn't all about church going. It is about my return to faith. Part of this is dealing with how I react to things. I have a really good memory, so I don't easily forget when people hurt my feelings or the feelings of those I love. I am also "mean as a snake" when someone hurts me or those I love. I can also be mean when I am irritated. I am not a super patient person, but God is helping me with that. He is also helping me with the whole "mean as a snake" issue.

I am trying very hard these days to not throw fits over little things, like being late. Being late is a huge personal pet peeve. I am also praying a lot over letting things go. I need to let things go, especially when my feelings get hurt, or someone hurts those I love. Today, both things happened, and I am not over it yet. I have prayed about it, and will pray some more, and then I have to stop cuddling my precious little feelings, but let them go. So. Stinking. Hard.

Basically what happened was a group of people with whom we are close did not invite us over for a cookout. This is kind of sucky since the day my little family left town the hostess claimed she had no plans for Labor Day. Cool, we had plans for Friday and Saturday, but were free for two whole days. So we lingered at my parents house and watched it rain, and caught up on sleep. It was nice. No one called to say, "Hey, we're cooking out on Monday, and swimming after." Instead, on our way back into town I called to invite these people to dinner, and guess what, they were having a cookout, with other people we know and love. The excuses for not inviting us were really, really lame too. Then came the add-on invitation. Is there anything more insulting than the add-on invitation? The 'I didn't invite you originally so now i have to because you caught me' awkward phone conversation? I got my feelings hurt quite a bit by this. Then I got mad. This is sooooooooooooo hard for me to give over to our Lord. I am ashamed of how petty I am.

I guess I was overtaken with this Oliver Twist feeling that nobody loved us as much as they loved each other. boo. hoo. I felt that the hostess was ungrateful for the effort I have made to include her in our family life. Yeah, we are that special in my eyes. I felt that they just slapped my face with a dirty mop with the obligatory add-on invitation. I was so pissed! I still am.

So what am I going to do about it? Am I going to stop inviting these people to take part in our lives. Tempting isn't it? That whole, 'you don't think of me so screw you' mentality. Am I going to stop visiting them and letting my children interact with them. Again, tempting. However, I am trying to be a better Christian. So I can't do that. I have to get over it. This requires some prayer, and some scripture, and just being a grown-up. It may take a little time. But I will get over it, because hurt feelings are not a person to wrap your arms around and hug. Hurt feelings won't hang out just because they can, and they won't help you when you really need them. So I guess one time being left out over thoughtlessness isn't all that big of a deal. How many times have I left Christ out of my life? uhhhh.......lots. He still loves me anyway. I really shouldn't do less.

Ladies' Night

Tonight was ladies' night with the life group ladies. But, like dessert, that should come last, so here's the lowdown on life group. Let me just say that visit #2 with our life group was really, really great. There were more people than last week, which initially made me nervous, but again God eased my heart and I was able to see how wonderful each person was. We are still studying in Ephesians 4, still concentrating on service.

Tonight we talked about those who have rejected Christ. It made me a little sad. I can think of so many people I knew in college, and even now, who say they are against organized religion. Of course, these were the same people nursing a hangover with me on Friday morning. Usually their reasons for persecuting Christians came down to some person or other in their past who had treated them badly, so they decided not to go to church ever again. I was always a bit confused by this since at least one person at the bar would insult them, yet every week, there we were, drinking some cold beer. Anyway...These are the people who make me so sad. The ones who are so smart, and so convinced that they are right, and Christians are evil, uneducated, and intolerant, as well as naive. Usually they are people who maybe grew up in church and then turned away. They have hardened their hearts, and I think maybe part of their defense mechanism against Christians is to persecute the.

We also talked about how sweet God can be, when He moves through your life. How things that are hard, or bad, or tragic, He uses. Then he gives more. I can look back at the day I found out I was pregnant with G, and see his hand. Every decision that I made prayerfully, and thoughtfully, turned out for the better. A and I really believe that God saw how we were in college, and decided to keep us apart until we were adults. Our bonus round is that we have G, who wouldn't have been born if A and I had dated in college, like we wanted. God took our first year of marriage and grew us as individuals, parents, spouse's, and Christians. It was not an easy year, but we are stronger for it. I like that about God. He might give you the bitter, but there will always be some sweet.

One of the things that I held onto through my walkabout years, is that everything will turn out all right. I had faith in God even when I wasn't living a Christian lifestyle. My faith has been repaid by his forgiveness. I spent quite a few nights in tears and prayers asking for that forgiveness, looking in my heart at how I had lived. I had to look at my past lifestyle, admit that it wasn't right, and then ask for forgiveness. It sounds like three quick and easy steps. Let me tell you, it was not. Then I kept making some of the same mistakes, and things would not work out, and it was back to prayers. I spent a lot of time over my 2 1/2 years teaching in the car. A lot of that time I spent in prayer. I wasn't where I am now, but I was groping to get back to my faith.

I had missed God's peace. I missed his love, I missed his acceptance, and encouragement. Now I feel that I have all those things back, and it is a huge feeling. So much sweet has He given us. I do worry, don't get me wrong, I am a worry wart. I worry about our kids, and if they will be terribly warped. I worry that they will hate me when they get older. I worry about taxes, and jobs, and our home, and my husband, and our families. I worry. I have to give it to God, and it is hard. I have to leave that worry with him and that is harder.

Tonight we also talked about the many things people do in the church to serve. There is a man who makes breakfast every Sunday morning to feed all the volunteers who work. What a large commitment and responsibility. Every. Single. Sunday. No deciding to stay in bed because it is raining, or cold, or hot, or sunny. He provides comfort and fellowship for whole families, who are there to serve. There are people who provide valet parking for the elderly, a monthly night off for parents with special needs children, lighting and sound for worship services. This is HUGE! There is so much going on, all the time. Yet, our church feels small, because someone is always going to say hello, and chat with you. People will remember you week to week. I love it. I love that God has provided us with a church home, where our family can shelter, learn and grow. All in all, tonight was a good night for the churchness.

After life group, the ladies went out to eat sans children. At a grown-up restaurant. And we had dessert. I feel like I am making the first friends I have made in years. I still feel awkward, fat, red-faced and self-conscious. But then I make myself remember that they will be looking at me through the "God goggles", and that these are not "mean girls". So I relaxed without the fam. for the first time in months, and had fellowship with Christian women and it was awesome! Also awesome was A.'s taking over the evening feeding and night night routine for G and M. I think they all enjoyed that, and I find it so precious how the love flows from one to the other and back. God has blessed us so immensely with our children. Growing, curious, exasperating, loving, learning boys.

All in all this has been a very rich weekend. I am grateful to God for all he has done and is doing in our lives. I pray that I can continue to grow and serve.