Ladies' Night

Tonight was ladies' night with the life group ladies. But, like dessert, that should come last, so here's the lowdown on life group. Let me just say that visit #2 with our life group was really, really great. There were more people than last week, which initially made me nervous, but again God eased my heart and I was able to see how wonderful each person was. We are still studying in Ephesians 4, still concentrating on service.

Tonight we talked about those who have rejected Christ. It made me a little sad. I can think of so many people I knew in college, and even now, who say they are against organized religion. Of course, these were the same people nursing a hangover with me on Friday morning. Usually their reasons for persecuting Christians came down to some person or other in their past who had treated them badly, so they decided not to go to church ever again. I was always a bit confused by this since at least one person at the bar would insult them, yet every week, there we were, drinking some cold beer. Anyway...These are the people who make me so sad. The ones who are so smart, and so convinced that they are right, and Christians are evil, uneducated, and intolerant, as well as naive. Usually they are people who maybe grew up in church and then turned away. They have hardened their hearts, and I think maybe part of their defense mechanism against Christians is to persecute the.

We also talked about how sweet God can be, when He moves through your life. How things that are hard, or bad, or tragic, He uses. Then he gives more. I can look back at the day I found out I was pregnant with G, and see his hand. Every decision that I made prayerfully, and thoughtfully, turned out for the better. A and I really believe that God saw how we were in college, and decided to keep us apart until we were adults. Our bonus round is that we have G, who wouldn't have been born if A and I had dated in college, like we wanted. God took our first year of marriage and grew us as individuals, parents, spouse's, and Christians. It was not an easy year, but we are stronger for it. I like that about God. He might give you the bitter, but there will always be some sweet.

One of the things that I held onto through my walkabout years, is that everything will turn out all right. I had faith in God even when I wasn't living a Christian lifestyle. My faith has been repaid by his forgiveness. I spent quite a few nights in tears and prayers asking for that forgiveness, looking in my heart at how I had lived. I had to look at my past lifestyle, admit that it wasn't right, and then ask for forgiveness. It sounds like three quick and easy steps. Let me tell you, it was not. Then I kept making some of the same mistakes, and things would not work out, and it was back to prayers. I spent a lot of time over my 2 1/2 years teaching in the car. A lot of that time I spent in prayer. I wasn't where I am now, but I was groping to get back to my faith.

I had missed God's peace. I missed his love, I missed his acceptance, and encouragement. Now I feel that I have all those things back, and it is a huge feeling. So much sweet has He given us. I do worry, don't get me wrong, I am a worry wart. I worry about our kids, and if they will be terribly warped. I worry that they will hate me when they get older. I worry about taxes, and jobs, and our home, and my husband, and our families. I worry. I have to give it to God, and it is hard. I have to leave that worry with him and that is harder.

Tonight we also talked about the many things people do in the church to serve. There is a man who makes breakfast every Sunday morning to feed all the volunteers who work. What a large commitment and responsibility. Every. Single. Sunday. No deciding to stay in bed because it is raining, or cold, or hot, or sunny. He provides comfort and fellowship for whole families, who are there to serve. There are people who provide valet parking for the elderly, a monthly night off for parents with special needs children, lighting and sound for worship services. This is HUGE! There is so much going on, all the time. Yet, our church feels small, because someone is always going to say hello, and chat with you. People will remember you week to week. I love it. I love that God has provided us with a church home, where our family can shelter, learn and grow. All in all, tonight was a good night for the churchness.

After life group, the ladies went out to eat sans children. At a grown-up restaurant. And we had dessert. I feel like I am making the first friends I have made in years. I still feel awkward, fat, red-faced and self-conscious. But then I make myself remember that they will be looking at me through the "God goggles", and that these are not "mean girls". So I relaxed without the fam. for the first time in months, and had fellowship with Christian women and it was awesome! Also awesome was A.'s taking over the evening feeding and night night routine for G and M. I think they all enjoyed that, and I find it so precious how the love flows from one to the other and back. God has blessed us so immensely with our children. Growing, curious, exasperating, loving, learning boys.

All in all this has been a very rich weekend. I am grateful to God for all he has done and is doing in our lives. I pray that I can continue to grow and serve.

Service

So tonight's sermon was all about service. Ephesians, chapter 4 again. Here's the thing about me. I am a lazy person. I always worked really hard when I worked outside of the home, but it hasn't quite translated into working hard in the home. Maybe I am just not good at time management, or house work, or priorities. So, our house is in shambles, but I finished reading a book today.

That is beside the point. The point is that I grew up as an active member of very small churches, and even spent one summer off from college assisting with a children's program that outnumbered the adults in the church. To me, working in your church, giving your service, is just what you do. It screams community to me. I am starving for community!

Part of this starvation that I am living away from my family for the first time ever. I know, I am married with two kids and have been for a few minutes. You would almost think I would be over. You would be pretty wrong there. Back home we are steeped in community. Sometimes we have a little too much. But still...I miss my parents and my brother, and grandparents, and aunts and uncles, and cousins. I might not have seen them all the time, but they were there. Now they are way away (G's phrase to describe a 3 hour drive).

So I miss my non church community from my hometown, and I honestly think a big part of my starvation for community up here is spiritual. I consciously took myself out of the church community while I was on walkabout those few years. Then I left the walkabout lifestyle for the most part, but didn't really give it up until I married A. Now the "old lifestyle" which was really a "middle lifestyle" or "backsliding", is gone, and I am returning to my faith. To quote the yoga folks, I have returned to center. A big part of that center for me, is the spiritual community of the church. I miss being around church folks. A lot.

A and I have started attending on Saturday nights, as I addressed in a previous blog. We also attend a life group during the week (basically Sunday School, but maybe a little less stuffy, and so wonderful). The kids' stuff is about to crank up again, so I am sure G and M will get to catch some more of that, but it just wasn't enough for me. I felt like I was just going to church and not doing anything for the church. Those small churches where I grew up pretty much demanded everyone do something or nothing would have gotten done. I want to work. So...guess what I did! I picked up the little card from my seat in the sanctuary (I do miss pews, don't know why,) and I volunteered to help with the middle school ministry. I think I am going to be working with 6th grade girls.

Folks I have just gone and jumped off the deep end into hormonal drama. There aren't many creatures touchier than little girls between 6th and 8th grades. And I have volunteered to work with them, because the middles school minister had voiced some concerns, and they just need some willing folks anyway. I am afraid I am grossly overestimating my abilities to handle kids. But, here's what else I am thinking, in between bouts of "what have I done?" I am not solely responsible for these children. God is going to help me out. He will guide me. I am not alone spiritually with a bunch of little hormone buckets with mouths and attitudes. Also, I am not alone at the church either. This is a big church. They have people you can talk to; they have people who can help. If I get overwhelmed, I can always ask for assistance, and it will be there. This is almost the opposite of teaching high school.

So all in all, I have some fear and exhilaration mixing in my stomach. There is a big old ball of self doubt sitting at the base of my neck as well. But I think God is going to help me, and who can argue with that kind of an assist. So everything will work out. I think it is time for some research on the inter webz, and some research in my Bible. I am also going to sign up to help with a 5K race, because they need volunteers, and I am in the mode. God will guide me to where I am needed. He is amazing like that. Pray for me handling those little barrels of drama.